I'm young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.
At a younger age I was never able to understand most things that were brought upon my life. I was constantly facing new struggles that kids I was surrounded by weren’t dealing with and may never have to. I grew up surrounded by medical terms, doctors, and hospitalizations. I became familiar with medication lists so long that they consumed 3 full pages.
My whole life I have been raised through challenges, broken dreams, and learning to adapt to new lifestyles time and time again. As I began to get older and wiser I learned to accept my fate in life, I learned to face difficulties with nothing but a positive outlook, and I learned that there is no way to change your past, but there are ways to make your present and future worthwhile.
There have been times where I was not able to keep my vigorous frame of mind. In these moments I would feel myself slowly drowning in sorrow, defeat, but most of all, guilt. I felt guilty because, even though I may not have been in the best situation, I was far better off than some people in this world. These are the moments that have helped define who I am. People will hear my infectious laugh during my most difficult intervals, I will have an everlasting smile on my face when all I want to do is break down, and no matter what is going on in my life, I am always putting forth the effort into making others happy.
For me to be able to say that I am satisfied with myself, life, and all of its entities is a wondrous feeling and gift. Every day I fight the odds and live with a mad, passionate determination, which no matter what, will never be destroyed.
I’m young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Burrowed time

Today was rough.
I think one of the most difficult things about living with this chronic illness is the unknowing.
One day you could be running around, laughing nonstop and it may feel like the world is in your hands.
The next day, your lungs are drowning, fevers leave you in pain all over, breathing is the only thing you can focus on.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I can’t.
It hurts too much.
I’m beyond exhausted. The burn of my eyes due to the amount of energy that my body is exerting into just breathing is unpleasant.
I can’t shake it away.
I was fine three days ago.
I can’t eat. I can’t move. Even talking leaves me breathless.
My weight has dropped from 102 to 95 in four days, my oxygen levels are only running at 83% on room air, my heart rate is around 140.
I’m on fire, but then again, I’m freezing cold.
I don’t want to be oxygen dependent.
I don’t want to be held back.
There’s no freedom with this disease.
Everyday is burrowed time.
Everyday is a gift.
And I will keep living it to my fullest potential
Despite the grueling battle.