I'm young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.
At a younger age I was never able to understand most things that were brought upon my life. I was constantly facing new struggles that kids I was surrounded by weren’t dealing with and may never have to. I grew up surrounded by medical terms, doctors, and hospitalizations. I became familiar with medication lists so long that they consumed 3 full pages.
My whole life I have been raised through challenges, broken dreams, and learning to adapt to new lifestyles time and time again. As I began to get older and wiser I learned to accept my fate in life, I learned to face difficulties with nothing but a positive outlook, and I learned that there is no way to change your past, but there are ways to make your present and future worthwhile.
There have been times where I was not able to keep my vigorous frame of mind. In these moments I would feel myself slowly drowning in sorrow, defeat, but most of all, guilt. I felt guilty because, even though I may not have been in the best situation, I was far better off than some people in this world. These are the moments that have helped define who I am. People will hear my infectious laugh during my most difficult intervals, I will have an everlasting smile on my face when all I want to do is break down, and no matter what is going on in my life, I am always putting forth the effort into making others happy.
For me to be able to say that I am satisfied with myself, life, and all of its entities is a wondrous feeling and gift. Every day I fight the odds and live with a mad, passionate determination, which no matter what, will never be destroyed.
I’m young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I want sleep

I'm to tired to write. There's not really much to update anyway.
Lost more weight, lungs suck, I can't sleep no matter how tired I am, my body hates me.
I have honors night tomorrow.
Graduation in 3 days.
Doctors appointment in 4.

Yeuupp...lost more weight 

In this picture you can see the salt on my eyelid 

Exhausted from everything

Luckily, even through it all, I'm still able to smile

Still keeping up with my treatments..everyday

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Yes...I am still feeling sick. These fast few days I have had absolutely NO energy. My eyes are constantly burning and my body aches. I have those lucky days where I feel as if I may be getting better, and then BAM the next day I feel even worse than before. Who knows..maybe it's just wishful thinking? I only have 5 more days until graduation..thank god. I more than likely would have already made an appointment, but I really want to be free on graduation. No IV's, no antibiotics, no nothing. My appointment is the day after and I really don't want to go. It's pretty dissapointing seeing your lung functions drop, especially when you try so hard to do just the opposite of that. My weight is also not doing that great. Most of my energy is being put towards breathing so all of it is leaving elsewhere. My breaths are more wheezy, crackly, shallow. I was struggling to catch my breath while just sitting down. This hot, humid weather doesn't help much either, but luckily I have air conditioning.
Here's "some" pictures that been taken over the past couple weeks

Monday, May 21, 2012

Happy birthday mom.

Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to youuu.
Happy birthday dear mommm.
Happy birthday to youuuuu.

Yeup, today is the birthday of a very special person.
My mom.
My best friend.
My support system.
A very big reason as to why I am who I am today.

My mom went through a lot during her life as a child, pre-teen, and early teenager, but just like me, she would never take any of it back. All of the rough times have led up to where we are now. So, where is that exactly? We are in a more than perfect world. Yes, there are hard times, but our strength together will conquer all of it. Our positivity and open minds will get us through the worst of times.
We read eachother's thoughts, laugh until our stomachs hurt, and lift the other one up.
We piss eachother off, mumble words of anger, and ignore the other one for unnecassary periods of time. But, no matter how long that may be, we still forgive, forget, and live on.
One of the biggest things I admire about our relationship is our bond. We recieve words of trust, wisdom, and strength amongst eachother. When I feel incredibly alone and drowned in my thoughts, I go to my mom. When I need a laugh to brighten up my day, I go to my mom. When I need to be remembered a reason as to why I keep fighting, I go to my mom. Not everyone gets the opportunity to experience this with other people, let alone their parents, so I am so incredibly grateful for everything we have.
My mom has seen me at my worst. She knows how CF affects my life and unlike many other people, she never ran away. She has been with me through it all and I think that is a big reason as to why we are so close. I know it hurts her to see me suffer, but she never surrenders to weakness. I hardly ever see my mom cry, but when I do, it breaks my heart. When I became incredibly sick in December I relied on my mom for everything. I needed her to bring me pills, plug in my breathing machines by the couch so I didn't have to get up, run up and down the stairs for extra things, make me food that I was able to eat, I even needed help showering. I knew she didn't mind, but I still felt like such a burden. Before I got admitted while I was really sick (I was trying to hold off until after Christmas), I slept on the couch downstairs for about a week and a half. Everything was more accessible, and it was easier for my mom to help care for me. Well, one night I had fallen asleep on the couch while my mom was sitting by my feet. I had woken up multiple times through-out the night because of how difficult it was the breathe, the pain, and the constant coughing. Everytime I woke up my mom would still be there, by my feet. I honestly can't tell you how much it meant that she was there. So, I woke up once again and saw my mom, but this time she was crying. I became so upset seeing her break down like that. I tried as hard as I could to stay awake and say something to her, but I was so damn tired and breathless. I think about that moment a lot, and it pains me everytime.

I love my mom. I love her more than words could ever explain, more than feelings could ever express, and more than all of the times I have said, "I love you" times a billion.
She is my head.
She is my heart.
She is my soul. <3 <3



Saturday, May 19, 2012

Long day

So, today was my last day of school. I wasn't excited to be done because of no more homework, hours of awaited freedom from sitting in a small room, or to start my summer filled with parties, boys, and long beach days. I was excited to start my summer and end the school year so I wouldn't have to be surrounded by germs and I can focus on my health more.
Today was awful to say the least. I started running a slight fever last night and it continued on through-out the day. My coughing was nonstop, I was beyond fatigued, my whole body was filled with constant shooting pains. My lung pain got so bad that I was squeezing my side to try and subside it. I started getting around and studied for my government exam. When I was getting ready to head to school my mom wanted to take a picture and I just broke down. This is my last day of my senior year. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted it to be memorable and filled with laughter. I cried and I couldn't stop. I was JUST on IV anitbiotics less than a month ago.
Anyway, when I arrived at the school I asked if I could take my exam in the office because I had absolutley no energy to walk up the steps, and I didn't want to be hacking up a lung while everyone else was trying to take it. They told me that I could came back next week to take the exam if I wanted, but I decided to stick it through. Luckily, this was probably one of the easiest exams that I've ever taken.

Well...I ended up falling asleep while typing this. I had taken some cough syrup that my doctor prescribed me and it has codeine in it. I am usually spaced out and incredibly tired for awhile after I take it. It is one of the only cough syrups that actually help me stop coughing. I only take it on occassion though because it really messes with me. I feel like a zombie for almost 24 hours afterwards.

Soooo, back to where I left off.
Definitely one of the easiest exams I've ever taken. After I finished, I went to the classroom and handed it to the teacher. I then had to get a paper signed by one of the lunch stuff, the guidance counselor, the secretary, my teachers, and the prinicpal to make sure all my fees were paid, I didn't have any missing assignments, I was passing my classes, and to check if my locker was cleared out. Afterwards, I went back to the classroom and we played pictionary for about 30 minutes until class was over. Annddd then for the rest of the day, this is what I did...Took my friend home, went to the elementary to pick up my little brother and his friend, came home, stayed outside for a little bit with the daycare kids, did a treatment, Ethan (my little brother) and his friend brought me an elephant ear from Riverfest (downtown festival where they have fair food, small rides, a car show, games, canoe races, and booths..happens for one weekend out of the year) ate pizza for dinner, went to walmart with my mom, did another treatment, and then came upstairs and started writing this.
I didn't wake up until around 12ish. I would've slept in longer, but I needed to do a treatmemt and my mom made banana pancakes! I've been craving them for a week and so my mom made them for me. My lungs are more sore than yesterday. Every part of them ache and it's worse when I cough or take a deep breath. I'm more congested. Breathing is harder. I'm incredibly drained, but some of it is from the cough medicine. I don't have any plans today exactly. All I know is that I want a lemonade from riverfest!! Yummy :) There's a senior class party being held by one of the boys in my class that I really wanted to go to, but I don't think it would be the best idea. It sucks, but I need to do my best to stay healthy. On the plus side, my fever has gone down. It's only 98.8. My normal is usually around 98.1. Let's just hope that it doesn't increase!

Here's some pictures I took through-out the day and then when I was laying in bed last night.