I'm young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.
At a younger age I was never able to understand most things that were brought upon my life. I was constantly facing new struggles that kids I was surrounded by weren’t dealing with and may never have to. I grew up surrounded by medical terms, doctors, and hospitalizations. I became familiar with medication lists so long that they consumed 3 full pages.
My whole life I have been raised through challenges, broken dreams, and learning to adapt to new lifestyles time and time again. As I began to get older and wiser I learned to accept my fate in life, I learned to face difficulties with nothing but a positive outlook, and I learned that there is no way to change your past, but there are ways to make your present and future worthwhile.
There have been times where I was not able to keep my vigorous frame of mind. In these moments I would feel myself slowly drowning in sorrow, defeat, but most of all, guilt. I felt guilty because, even though I may not have been in the best situation, I was far better off than some people in this world. These are the moments that have helped define who I am. People will hear my infectious laugh during my most difficult intervals, I will have an everlasting smile on my face when all I want to do is break down, and no matter what is going on in my life, I am always putting forth the effort into making others happy.
For me to be able to say that I am satisfied with myself, life, and all of its entities is a wondrous feeling and gift. Every day I fight the odds and live with a mad, passionate determination, which no matter what, will never be destroyed.
I’m young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


Yes, I know..it has been a long time. I have wanted to write for days, but I feel like I am just so consumed in other things right now...mainly school. I've been catching up on my online class and I'm almost finished! All I have left is another section, quiz, and then my exam! Speaking of exams..my last day of school is Friday!! Ok, ok. I'm going to update on everything now, but I'm not going to go into very much detail on everything, just some things. It's 3 in the morning and I have school tomorrow, sooo lets do this!
May 5th; Cystic Fibrosis walk at Litchfield high school. It was...Emotional. Exciting. Exhausting. I have been counting down the days ever since I knew the exact date of it. Every day was another day closer. We arrived around 9:45ish. We, as in, me, my two brothers, two stepbrothers, sister, mom, stepdad, grandma, and cousin. Through-out the walk I was able to see many people...I was greeted by a lady, not sure of her name, who was doing an interview for our local paper. Another lady, Shelley Downey, came up to me and started talking about CF camps that she attended and helped run. It instantly caught my attention. For as long as I could remember, I would always, always think about what it would be like to attend a CF camp. To be surrounded by so many people who understand your life, pain, and everyday struggles..yeah...I would do it in a heartbeat. For those of you who may not know, CFers are not allowed to be within 3 feet of eachother due to passing of certain bugs, or infections, that the other one may not have. That's why I have not been able to attend a CF camp. One of my favorite workers from the hospital I go to, Mark, drove an hour and a half, along with his wife and dog. I saw so many of my friends. I saw all of these people, and there's still one that keeps beating in the back of my head. Traes mom. To refresh some memory, Trae was my first CF friend. We met while being hospitalized at the same time, and he passed away. Now, I had never met his mom before. I never once thought, "I need to prepare myself for this." I was excited. I wasn't expecting to cry. When I saw Tonja, Traes mom, walk on to the track I ran up and hugged her. During that hug, I felt so much power. I was at a loss of words. After we finished hugging she looked me straight in the eyes and kept saying, "you're so strong." I was telling her to please not cry, and then for the longest time, we just stood there staring at eachother. I honestly can't explain what was felt. I have no words or emotions to express everything that was running through my body. Eventually, she walked away and my best friend, Kayla, walked up to me and hugged me and I just let go. I started crying and I'm so glad that Kayla was there to hug me through it all.
Tonja had a shirt on that has a picture of Trae on it and it says, "Breathe easy," Ravens mom was also at the walk and she walked up to Tonja and said, "Did you lose on to CF too?" "It's hard...it's so hard." While all of this was happening, my mom was standing next to me and had to walk away because she couldn't handle it. Also, Traes mom gave me a fake purple rose so I'm able to keep it forever, and that I will.
After the CF walk my family and some of our friends came back to my house for homemade macaroni and pulled pork. The rest of the day was pretty relaxing.
May 6th; Not very much happened on this day, but I do have one very exciting thing to tell. Well, I RAN!! I woke up Sunday morning feeling incredibly exhausted from the walk, but later that night, I went to the schools track and I RANNNNN!! It was painful because my port was accessed..not even sure if I was supposed to be doing that, but who cares?! It was the first time I actually ran in I don't even know how long..years it seems like. By Tuesday night, I was able to run a full mile!
May 7th; Doctors appointment. Overall, it was fairly a good appointment. My weight dropped a pound, but I'm still in the "clear-zone." I was 109. My lung functions were 55%! They were 53% when I left the hospital, so that's amazing! They are never higher than what they were when leaving the hospital. I was told to finish my IV antibiotics and then come back in a month..if I can last that long. I got blood drawn to check vitamin levels, and I left. On my way home, I actually stopped by the hospital to say hi to two of my very close friends, who also have CF, Ilene and Hannah. They were both admitted, and since I was already up there, I figured, why the heck not? I walk into Ilene's room and instantly feel a flush of happiness, excitment, and just ease. We told the nurses that we were going to the cafeteria with Mark and we stopped by Hannah's room on the way there. Seriously...it's just such an amazing feeling. We told Hannah to come with us and after she got unhooked from her IV pole, we were on our way to the cafeteria and then BAM...."You guys know that you're not supposed to be around eachother." Those words hit like a ton of bricks. Okay, first off, this nurse is not one who is liked by very many people, and two, they say "as long you're three feet away from eachother, you're fine." We had masks on and we were definitely more than 3 feet away..we didn't even hug eachother!! There was two other nurses who were trying to convince the other nurse, but she was just being stingy. So, we stood there. The expressions on our face were all saying the same thing. Tears wanted to flood from my eyes. We were forced to be torn apart from eachother and my god..it's so freaking hard. These two people mean more than the world to me. I am constantly surrounded by people who have no idea as to what I'm going through. I'm viewed from a different perspective than what is actually true. I hear, "things will get better," "you just need to stay positive," and "how are you doing?" on a day-to-day basis from people who don't even know that I was just released from the hospital. I'm trapped in this small town full of cliche, judgemental, and narrow-minded people. With Hannah and Ilene, they know exactly what to say, what not to say, they know what I'm going through. To be standing there, wishing so much to just be able to talk to eachother face to face, and be torn apart, was indescribable.
May 8th; I deaccessed my port and I returned to school. Well, I'm not even sure if I should be allowed to say "school." I only attend one class at the very end of the day. I don't have to be at school until roughly 1:30. It was actually pretty decent. I wasn't being overwhelmed with millions of people coming up to me and asking questions or telling me the latest rumor as to why I was gone so long. I understand that people care and sometimes just want to ask how I'm doing, but then again, more than half of the people that ask how I'm doing don't bother to ask any other time. I feel as if some people just do it to feel better about themselves and have a sense of pride. I know it may sound horrible, but that's how I really feel. I have been trapped and confined in classrooms of many, many people who are so ignorant, selfish, and untrustworthy, that it's hard for me to see something other than that amongst teenagers.
May 12th; I learned to shoot a bow and arrow. I worked on a homemade target and then I tried shooting at an apple, and guess what? I DID IT! I was shooting with my brother and two of our guy friends, and out of all of them, I was the first, and only, one to hit it!
May 14th; I recieved my cap and gown!
May 15/16; There was a senior bonfire at one of our fellow classmates house. Me and one of my friends arrived around 9:45ish. It was the first time that I actually did something with a group of people in so, so long and let me just say that it was amazing. Everyone talked about memories from years back and it was nice to reflect on the easier times. It was also nice to be with a group of people and to not have to be talking about my CF. Don't get me wrong, I love talking about it, but sometimes it just gets rough. It's hard hearing myself repeat how I haven't been improving, feeling good, or the latest problem that has occured. So, it was also senior prank night. Earlier in the day, before the bonfire, some of my classmates went to the school and put two alarm clocks in the ceiling tiles of every classroom..they are all set to go off at different times through-out the day tomorrow! Also, mostly all of the people at the bonfire went to Wal*Mart to get supplies, and we went to the school. We TP'd and forked everything, we put window paint all over the windows and wrote stuff like, "seniors 2012" "we are officially done" "sucks to suck-underclassman" and we all wrote our names. We put instant mashed potatoes in the grass since it was supposed to rain later. Tomorrow morning some seniors are going to school really early and putting zip-ties on everyone's lockers, except the seniors obviously. I'd have to say that this night was probably one of the best that I've had in a very long time. I didn't get home until about almost 2 am, and surprisingly, I wasn't exhausted!

For a health update, I have been so-so. I ended up catching something by the third day I returned to school. Apparently there has been a bunch of illness going around..perfect! I'm not sure what exactly it is that I caught, but I'm still not completely over it. My chest is really congested, my body has been extremely sore, coughing more, fatigued..ya know, the usual. After a few days I felt as if I was starting to improve, but now I feel like it's starting to get worse again. Last night and the night before I was laying down before bed and I started wheezing and it was harder to breathe than usual. I've been getting short of breath. I'm just really hoping that it doesn't get worse. I have honors night coming up, GRADUATION, open houses. I have an appointment the day after graduation, and I better be able to last that long!
So yeah, all in all, this is basically what has happened since I last posted. I plan on posting pictures in another post fairly soon. I tried doing it earlier, but it wasn't working. I probably left out some things here and there, but give me a break..it's a lot of updating and I haven't slept in almost 19 hours.
It's 4:22 AM...why am I still awake?

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