I'm young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.
At a younger age I was never able to understand most things that were brought upon my life. I was constantly facing new struggles that kids I was surrounded by weren’t dealing with and may never have to. I grew up surrounded by medical terms, doctors, and hospitalizations. I became familiar with medication lists so long that they consumed 3 full pages.
My whole life I have been raised through challenges, broken dreams, and learning to adapt to new lifestyles time and time again. As I began to get older and wiser I learned to accept my fate in life, I learned to face difficulties with nothing but a positive outlook, and I learned that there is no way to change your past, but there are ways to make your present and future worthwhile.
There have been times where I was not able to keep my vigorous frame of mind. In these moments I would feel myself slowly drowning in sorrow, defeat, but most of all, guilt. I felt guilty because, even though I may not have been in the best situation, I was far better off than some people in this world. These are the moments that have helped define who I am. People will hear my infectious laugh during my most difficult intervals, I will have an everlasting smile on my face when all I want to do is break down, and no matter what is going on in my life, I am always putting forth the effort into making others happy.
For me to be able to say that I am satisfied with myself, life, and all of its entities is a wondrous feeling and gift. Every day I fight the odds and live with a mad, passionate determination, which no matter what, will never be destroyed.
I’m young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Not so good

Today was not so good.
I found myself contemplating multiple times on whether or not I should go to the hospital this weekend...that's how crappy I feel right now.
I woke up around 10:30 and talked myself into getting out of bed for about 15 minutes. I then took my pills, went downstairs and did a treatment, and then came back upstairs and fell asleep until about 2:00...I once again had to talk myself into getting out of bed for probably 30 minutes...WTF.
I had to go to the store to get supplies to take stuff with my Kalydeco...I honestly almost had a mental breakdown while I was there. I was also getting stuff for my mom because I thought that maybe if I got out of the house for a bit, I might feel better....the complete opposite happened. My little brother came with me and I had to ask him several times to push the cart and to slow down because that was too much for me. It took us about over an hour to get not even 15 things just because of how slow I had to walk. I felt pathetic and wanted to punch someone. I snapped at my brother a couple of times over stupid things because I was so frustrated and that made me feel worse.
I've had multiple cough attacks today and the first one this morning made me faint a bit because I couldn't catch my breath. A couple of hours later I had another one and actually smacked my head on the wall because I lost my balance and couldn't focus.
My whole body feels like lead, my lung functions have definitely dropped, I haven't had much of an appetite and I know I've lost weight, but I don't even want to check it...actually, the other day I was going through my closet and pulled out a pair of jeans from seventh grade and put them on...they didn't fit..they weren't too small, they were too big..I needed to wear a belt with them...once again..WTF!
I was in quite a bit of pain today mainly in my lungs and kidney area.
I feel like I'm just complaining and I really really hate that.
I also feel like a complete loser because I have missed my past two counseling appointments without even calling in and canceling them. I called to check and see when my next one was and come to find out, it was the day before. I then had one last Wednesday and it didn't even cross my mind. This is completely out of character because I always look forward to my counseling appointments and know the exact date and time...I'm losing it. My mind has been lost recently and I have no idea who I am right now. I'm happy, but I'm lost. Michelle, if you are reading, I am SO sorry. I had meant to call today, but yeah. I put a reminder in my phone to call tomorrow. No words can express how sorry I am. I miss you and need to see you ASAP.
My head has not been in the right place for awhile. I can't focus on anything and need some guidance...maybe a good cry as well.
I have an advising appointment tomorrow to get my classes scheduled for next semester. I'm actually pretty excited about that.
I'm going to try and get some sleep now. I haven't been able to fall asleep until about 3-4 AM for the past 4 days.
Sooo yeah...today was not so good.

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