I'm young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.
At a younger age I was never able to understand most things that were brought upon my life. I was constantly facing new struggles that kids I was surrounded by weren’t dealing with and may never have to. I grew up surrounded by medical terms, doctors, and hospitalizations. I became familiar with medication lists so long that they consumed 3 full pages.
My whole life I have been raised through challenges, broken dreams, and learning to adapt to new lifestyles time and time again. As I began to get older and wiser I learned to accept my fate in life, I learned to face difficulties with nothing but a positive outlook, and I learned that there is no way to change your past, but there are ways to make your present and future worthwhile.
There have been times where I was not able to keep my vigorous frame of mind. In these moments I would feel myself slowly drowning in sorrow, defeat, but most of all, guilt. I felt guilty because, even though I may not have been in the best situation, I was far better off than some people in this world. These are the moments that have helped define who I am. People will hear my infectious laugh during my most difficult intervals, I will have an everlasting smile on my face when all I want to do is break down, and no matter what is going on in my life, I am always putting forth the effort into making others happy.
For me to be able to say that I am satisfied with myself, life, and all of its entities is a wondrous feeling and gift. Every day I fight the odds and live with a mad, passionate determination, which no matter what, will never be destroyed.
I’m young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Nonsense and jibber jabber

I'm here. At my second home. 
Once again. 

Yeup, I didn't improve through-out the week. I basically felt the same except over the weekend. On Saturday I woke up with a 101 fever that kept gradually inclining despite me taking Tylenol every 6 hours, right on the dot. It didn't start to go away until about 11 that night. I was coughing a ton more which led to me feeling even more exhausted. It also caused severe pain in my chest/lungs. I walked around my house all day wrapped up in a blanket complaining about how crappy I felt.  Surprisingly on Sunday though, I felt a lot better, more than likely because I had no fever. I had packed my bags that night knowing that I'd be going in the next day still.

PFTs were pretty much the exact same as the week before, which is better than worse. Weight was down 3 pounds, O2 was 91%, and I was running a slight fever. The doctor came in and said, "Well, your numbers are down and you're not feeling well, so let's put you on some IV's. I'm not even going to try Orals since those never seem to work. We want to stop this before it gets worse."

I then waited an hour and a half for a room, drove to the hospital, signed myself in, got situated, saw about 38207 residents, nurses, and respiratory therapists, did vitals, unpacked, got accessed (took only one try!) and hooked up and I was ready to go..well, by go, I mean lay in bed, receive medications, and hopefully get fat! My weight=no good. I also needed to put some oxygen on right when I was going to bed because my numbers dropped lower and won't stay up.

Turns out that my potassium levels were low, that's a first. I took some potassium pills and received a huge bag of it via IV fluids through-out the night and they rechecked it (3 am blood draw...wtefff) and now it's fine :). One step closer towards better health!! 

I had a complete mental break down yesterday out of nowhere. Usually when I know that I'm gonna be  going in the hospital, I don't even think about it. It's more of a, "at least I'll start feeling better; It's for the best" kind of deal. Well, I was sitting here in my gloomy hospital room and just started bawling. I kept telling myself that I couldn't keep doing this anymore over and over again. Luckily, my stepdad was here and he jumped right up and wrapped his arms around me and said, "Sweetheart, you can do it. You ARE doing it, you have been for 18 years. If anyone can do it, you can. You're so strong. Not a day goes by that I don't think of something happening to you. It hurts, but it's reality, but I also know that you would never give up. If you were to ever give up, you would've done it by now." I started to calm down and began to feel a lot better. I guess I tend to keep a lot of my feeling bottled up. I mean heck, exactly a month ago my lungs were functioning at 18%, I had a partial collapsed lung, and was on continuous oxygen for the longest time yet for me, and I STILL didn't cry or feel upset. In fact, I was laughing on most days. No. I WAS laughing and staying positive everyday. 

Okay, enough of all of that. 
Last uhmm Wednesday I believe it was, I had to drive my grandpa to the hospital because he was having severe pain in his stomach. Turns out he had a bunch of stones in his gallbladder and he needed to get it taken out. He's fine now and back at home. I was driving home from dropping him off and my car started to sound really weird. I have terrible anxiety about things and that is one of them. After a few seconds my car began to sound like it was ripping apart and as I was trying to find a place to pull over, the car wouldn't accelerate at all and as I was getting off the road, it just shut off, luckily right after I made it over. But yeah, my car is officially done. D. O. N. E. done. 

I also began filing for disability. I spent about almost 2 hours filling out stuff online. It said that it can take up to 120 days to hear something back, sometimes less, sometimes more. I'm hoping it's less...obviously. Once, and if, I start getting disability, I'll be able to get a car. 

I think I'm done for now. Thank you to everyone who managed to read through all of my nonsense and jibber jabber. 
I will leave you with pictures for now. 

R.I.P. :( 

The lighting was really off in this picture, but this is from this morning. 

1 comment:

  1. So So sorry to hear you are back in the hospital, but your step-dad is right...you are strong and we all know you will get through it. It does do a body good to let it all out...so have yourself a good cry from time to time, you'll feel better. Hope to hear soon that you are back home. :)