I'm young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.
At a younger age I was never able to understand most things that were brought upon my life. I was constantly facing new struggles that kids I was surrounded by weren’t dealing with and may never have to. I grew up surrounded by medical terms, doctors, and hospitalizations. I became familiar with medication lists so long that they consumed 3 full pages.
My whole life I have been raised through challenges, broken dreams, and learning to adapt to new lifestyles time and time again. As I began to get older and wiser I learned to accept my fate in life, I learned to face difficulties with nothing but a positive outlook, and I learned that there is no way to change your past, but there are ways to make your present and future worthwhile.
There have been times where I was not able to keep my vigorous frame of mind. In these moments I would feel myself slowly drowning in sorrow, defeat, but most of all, guilt. I felt guilty because, even though I may not have been in the best situation, I was far better off than some people in this world. These are the moments that have helped define who I am. People will hear my infectious laugh during my most difficult intervals, I will have an everlasting smile on my face when all I want to do is break down, and no matter what is going on in my life, I am always putting forth the effort into making others happy.
For me to be able to say that I am satisfied with myself, life, and all of its entities is a wondrous feeling and gift. Every day I fight the odds and live with a mad, passionate determination, which no matter what, will never be destroyed.
I’m young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

New baseline?

Today sucked. 
The VERY instant I woke up, I had a terrible migraine. It's 11:00 PM and it's still there. 
I then started feeling incredibly nauseous. I forced myself to eat breakfast and right after I finished I started throwing up. I took a nap from about 11:30-4:00. After my nap my kidney starting aching which just made everything worse. On top of all of that, my whole body feels entirely drained. Even talking made me winded.
Me and my mom usual have these moments where we'll just both stare at each other. We don't say anything, we just look. We both say that we can read each others minds. My mom knows that I haven't been feeling well at all and we had another one of our "moments" earlier. After we looked at each other she just said, "what is going on with you?" I knew exactly what she was talking about. For the past year I would end up starting to feel sick even a couple weeks after being discharged from the hospital, but this is different. I honestly feel like I could use another admission. I'm still on home IV's and it just doesn't feel like they're working at all. I didn't say anything for a bit and then I said, "I feel like I'm falling apart." I almost started crying and my mom said, "don't say that." I'm really glad that my mom is someone who I can be completely honest with. I'm also glad that she can tell when I'm not feeling well, and she won't always have to question me with, "how are you feeling?" 
I guess I haven't necessarily felt all that great ever since coming home from the hospital. I'll have good days, and then instantly I'll feel like crap. It seems as if I'm getting hit with everything. Pneumonia, cold, strep, sinuses, ear infection, the flu. I don't know, this is all starting to make me feel more upset the longer it lasts.
On a brighter note, my mom made an AMAZING dinner...as always. We had chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean, casserole, and biscuits. IT. WAS. BOMB! 
Yesterday was pretty enjoyable as well. I had lunch with Kim, my "uncle" Bill, their mom, Kims husband, and my best friend Kayla. Later that night we had a bonfire at my house with my family and quite a few friends. All together there was about 16 people I believe. It wasn't anything too big, but it was still fun. Oooh, and the night before me, my brother, and our best friend got a BUNCCHH of candy from walmart and pigged out and just talked. 

I forgot to update about my appointment on the 27th. My weight was 106, which was down from when I left the hospital by a few pounds and my lung functions were 41%. I was thoroughly disappointed when I saw the numbers. It had been 3 full weeks of IV antibiotics and a week after being discharged and they were still  that low. As I've said before, I'm normally around 48-51% at my discharge appointment. Even that 7% makes a HUGE difference. I keep thinking to myself, "What if this is my new baseline?" I know I can't afford to think like that, but it's kind of hard not too. I am exceptionally grateful that my numbers are even at 40% beings how I've been, and could be, a lot worse, but I'm still kind of upset. So yeah, I continued doing home IVs and was told to come back in two weeks. It would've been a week, but that would have been labor day. 
I also started classes on the 27th. My schedule is really easy.
Monday, Wednesday: FYS(first year seminar)- 5:00-5:56, Math-6-7:58 on campus and then I have Health and English online, which I can log into whenever.  I talked to my professors about my CF and missing classes. The FYS teacher seemed really concerned and caring and said she'd do whatever to work with me, whereas the math teacher didn't say anything except, "just let me know when you'll be gone." I haven't been loaded with a lot of HW yet, I had to write a paper for my FYS class which I was really excited about. It wasn't even anything that I should have been excited about, but that just proves how much I love writing. The paper was just and essay where you had to write about yourself, what you expected to learn from the class, and what you wanted to learn. 

More and more people have been reading and sharing my blog. I know I didn't start it that long ago, but I REALLY want to get the word out about it. I love hearing people say that they've read it, and most importantly, that it has inspired them. It's such a miraculous feeling. I really want to know how many people are ACTUALLY reading my stuff though. So if anyone read through all of this, would you leave a comment saying something so I can get a good idea of how many people actually do? That'd be great :)

Oooh wow...I didn't expect to type this much. I feel like all of that was really unorganized and not really wrote out very well. I took a pain pill about an hour ago and it makes my mind really foggy so I kind of just typed without thinking much. But, I needed an update so I don't really care. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open at the moment which is a sign that I need to go to bed!! 

Goodnight everyone. 
Sweet dreams. 

But first, here's some random pictures..




When I was going down to PFTs the day before discharge. 

Getting ready to head home from the hospital.



I got a new haircut and some red put in. 

I love just being outside while listening to the sounds. 

My dinner :)

This is me right now, getting ready to sleep the night away. 


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