I'm young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.
At a younger age I was never able to understand most things that were brought upon my life. I was constantly facing new struggles that kids I was surrounded by weren’t dealing with and may never have to. I grew up surrounded by medical terms, doctors, and hospitalizations. I became familiar with medication lists so long that they consumed 3 full pages.
My whole life I have been raised through challenges, broken dreams, and learning to adapt to new lifestyles time and time again. As I began to get older and wiser I learned to accept my fate in life, I learned to face difficulties with nothing but a positive outlook, and I learned that there is no way to change your past, but there are ways to make your present and future worthwhile.
There have been times where I was not able to keep my vigorous frame of mind. In these moments I would feel myself slowly drowning in sorrow, defeat, but most of all, guilt. I felt guilty because, even though I may not have been in the best situation, I was far better off than some people in this world. These are the moments that have helped define who I am. People will hear my infectious laugh during my most difficult intervals, I will have an everlasting smile on my face when all I want to do is break down, and no matter what is going on in my life, I am always putting forth the effort into making others happy.
For me to be able to say that I am satisfied with myself, life, and all of its entities is a wondrous feeling and gift. Every day I fight the odds and live with a mad, passionate determination, which no matter what, will never be destroyed.
I’m young. 18 years old to be exact, but my heart and mind say otherwise.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Monday=the day??

On Monday it showed that my lungs were only functioning 33%. My normal is roughly around 55%. I don't really know what caused me to become so sick. I was literally just in the hospital a little over a month ago. I guess it's just the typical CF. I'm honestly not even sure why I'm so surprised that my health did that. Since then I have been improving more and more everyday. I am no longer on continuous oxygen, I'm able to get up and walk around, my pain has almost completely gone away, and my breathing has improved. I've had some of my favorite nurses and PCA's these past couple days which makes everything so much more tolerable. I am used to being in the hospital and having to put my life on hold, but sometimes it just really gets to you and when you have to deal with people you don't necessarily like, it makes it much more difficult. Luckily, I love about 99% of the nurses and PCA's. I'm just grateful for how amazing this hospital is. The food isn't bad, the staff is wonderful, and overall it's an amazing enviroment. One of the child-life specialists and I have gotten really close over the years. We're in the type of relationship where he can walk into my room and get into my snack drawer and just take anything. He's retiring at the end of May and it will be nowhere near the same when he's gone. Me and my mom got him a present and it looks like an award that has a star on it that says his name and underneath it says "My universe will never be the same, I'm glad you came. Love, Alexandria" I'm planning on giving it to him tomorrow when he comes in. I'm super stoked!
I have PFTs again on Monday and if they are higher then I'll be able to go home with home IV antibiotics. I'm fairly certain that they have improved, so I'm planning for Monday to be the day!
Our schools prom is today which is crazy. Senior prom and I'm here at the hospital. I wasn't able to go last year because I was sick as well. I hadn't been feeling that well and the day before prom I started peeing a bunch of blood and was having fevers because of my damn kidney. I'm just staying positive and being grateful that I'm alive today, even if that means missing my senior prom, last homecoming, and more than half of my whole senior year.
I was able to leave the hospital for a couple hours on a LOA (leave of absence). Me and my mom went to our favorite chinese buffet, got our nails done, and walked around. The guy who did my nails put a purple ribbon on my thumbs. I love the first second of stepping out into the fresh air after being confined in the same room for days on end. The moment that the air hits your face is unbelievable. I know I sound incredibly cheesy right now, but who cares.
So, I think this is enough updating and rambling for now.
Keep calm and breathe on,
Miss Alexandria

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